Rambling because we're having an ice storm today

2006-02-18T18:53:12Z

I've had this journal since November, but I haven't done anything with it. I have another LJ that I use for my slash hobby--it gets a lot more action since slash isn't allowed at TFN, which is where I spent a good deal of time.

I've recently enjoyed reading and writing about cheating. I know, it's strange. I've never cheated and I haven't been cheated on since being married (*crosses fingers*) but I find it a compelling topic for writing, hence the Padme/Bail fic below.

The Saga award ceremony is today at TFN, so I'm looking forward to that. I was a volunteer for the Before ceremony--it was fun, but I'm glad to be done with the vote counting. Ick...the roads are covered in ice so at least I have something to do. :)

Hi yellowdartvader See my icon?!?

Fic: The First Blush of Sin (one-shot)

2006-02-18T18:27:07Z

Title: The First Blush of Sin
Rating: PG-13
Timeframe: One year after AOTC
Pairing: Bail Organa/Padmé Amidala
Warning: This is a Bail/Padmé romance/angst fic--includes infidelity.
Summary: Padmé finds herself in another man's arms.

Thanks to domntrxskywlkr for the Bail/Padme inspiration.

"After the first blush of sin comes its indifference."
-Henry David Thoreau

The First Blush of Sin

He paused outside her office and peered around the corner of her open door. "Senator Amidala."

She glanced up and smiled—he was always so proper. Anakin would have burst in, unconcerned with who might be around. She would never have to worry about Bail giving anything away.

"Senator Organa." This was her signal that he could come into her office to talk. "Please sit down."

He hovered in the doorway before taking a seat. "Would you like to join me for lunch?"

For nearly four standard weeks, he had invited her to lunch each day around noon, and each day she had refused. She was afraid of what might happen if she actually left the safety of her office.

After she declined his offers for lunch, he would linger, pretending that he had business to discuss. And then they would talk—really talk, not just chat and make meaningless comments. They talked of all the things she enjoyed—all the subjects that she could never speak of to Anakin.

But today, she was feeling daring. She was tired of pretending that she wasn't interested. "Yes, I'd like that very much." She lowered her eyes, but not before seeing his eyes widen in what she hoped was delight.

She stood and followed him out into the corridor. They walked in silence to the parking deck, as Padmé held her head high and pretended that she had nothing to hide.

She wondered how long this dance was going to last. For weeks now, little things had passed between them—signs of a sort. She wondered if he recognized them for what they were. He must have, because last week he'd brought her a private datapad, as a gift. "It is nice to own something not sponsored by the Republic," he'd said, as his fingers grazed the palm of her hand.

Throughout the day, he sent her little notes. That morning, as they sat in a tedious committee meeting, Padmé looked down to see the blue light of her datapad flashing, alerting her that a new message had arrived.

Forgetting that it was her personal pad, she clicked to open the message, sure that it was another request for a bill proposal, or a follow up letter from a lobbyist, but it was none of those things—it was a message from Bail. You look lovely today.

Bail pulled her from her memory as he placed his hand on the small of her back. An innocent gesture, for a gentleman, but today that quiet touch held a spark of desire. He opened the door to the parking area and ushered her through. "We can take my speeder."

She lifted her robes and stepped into the speeder, arranging the fabric around her. She didn't want her legs showing…not yet.

******

Padmé pushed her chair back from the table, and smiled at the man across from her as he spoke of the latest research report he'd received on the long-term side effects of cloning.

Padmé thought again how much she loved it that Bail enjoyed discussing important topics with her. She couldn't get Anakin to talk about much of anything, besides fighting tactics or his new starfighter. She knew it wasn't fair to compare them, but she couldn't stop.

Bail also wanted to hear what she had to say. When she spoke, his eyes focused on hers, and he watched her. He really listened, and then asked her questions about what she had just said. She appreciated the fact that his eyes didn't glaze over when she brought up the latest special interest group.

Bail lay his fork down beside his plate and took a sip of dark wine. "I read that the Queen of Naboo has launched a new campaign to combat drug, alcohol, and tobacco use."

Padmé struggled to keep the sarcasm from her voice. "Yes, she is quite the activist."

Bail raised his eyebrows. "You don't approve?"

"I just believe that there are more important issues to be dealt with." As much as she treasured talking to him, she was ready to push the involvement further. Bail was so polite and considerate, she didn't know if he would ever cross the line, not without a nudge from Padmé.

She pushed gently at the back of her right heel with her left foot, and the shoe slipped quietly from her foot. She was wearing stockings, but that would have to do for now.

She was pleased that he was wearing low cut shoes today instead of the boots he often wore. Padmé lifted her leg slightly, so that the instep of her foot touched his ankle.

"I agree that—." Bail stopped abruptly and coughed.

Padmé tilted her head. "Is there something wrong?"

"No…" He took a drink of water, but sputtered as she slid her foot higher, caressing the outside of his knee. His cheeks flushed as he quickly wiped the water from his chin with his napkin.

Bail looked down at his plate before looking back at her face. "Do you want to go to my apartment?"

Good. My message was clear. She nodded, unable to form the words.

Was she going to allow this to happen? If she went through with it, she would be the one responsible. This wasn't a drunken night, or something that just happened, but a conscious choice.

Her hands shook as she climbed back into Bail's speeder. She found that she was still unable to speak, and simply watched the traffic speed by.

She was thankful he had suggested his apartment. Even though she was already betraying Anakin, she wouldn’t bring another man into their bed. She did love him, but she wondered sometimes why she had married him.

If she were honest with herself, she did know why she married him. Having never dated much, she was overcome by his intense passion. When he looked at her, she felt like she was burning up inside. He pushed and pushed, until didn't want to resist any longer. He was so young and beautiful, and he was innocent, yet worldly at the same time. The sight of his wet lashes against his cheeks after his mother died had made her heart flutter. And so she bound herself to him, when she should have walked away.

Bail glanced down at her clenched hands as he parked his speeder. "Padmé. We don't have to do this. And if you want to stop at any point, please let me know." He touched the top of her knee. "We can go back to being friends."

Unable to meet Bail's eyes, Padmé looked down at the floor. "No. I don't want to be just friends. Let's go."

*******

As they stood in Bail's bedroom, he lifted his fingers to her cheek. "Padmé…I…"

"What's wrong?"

He sighed. "I wanted to tell you something, but I fear it might be too much, too soon. Maybe too much at any time."

"Tell me, please. We've already shared so much."

Bail exhaled and put his hands on her cheeks. "I wish I had met you first, before I was married."

Padmé bit her lip. How different would her life be if she had married Bail? "I would have liked that, Bail. Would I be Padmé Organa right now?"

"I'd like to think that you would be. But circumstances prevented that. When I first noticed you, as Queen of Naboo all those years ago, you were only fifteen. I found myself staring at you, but I didn't know how young you were."

"Many people thought I was older. The ornate robes and makeup concealed my appearance well."

"I felt more than a little disgusted with myself for admiring a child." Bail smiled briefly. "You've only gotten more beautiful over the years, and wiser as well." He took her hands into his own. "That's what really drew me to you—your conviction, and your dedication—the way you don't waver when you believe in a cause."

Padmé squeezed his hands and grinned. She was pleased at his perception of her; he appreciated her, and understood why she worked so hard. Her last shreds of doubt dissipated. "You're making me blush."

Bail raised his eyebrows. "In all the time we've known each other, you've never flirted with me."

"I'm not much of a flirt." She giggled before she could stop herself. "Not until today."

Her laugh faded as Bail stood back and stared at her. She knew it was time for them to move on. She reached up to unfasten the clasp of her dress, but Bail touched her wrist.

"There's no hurry. Let me." He sank his hands into her curls, lifting her hair and then letting it fall down against her back. He kissed her neck softly, and then pulled away to smile down at her.

He leaned down to brush his lips across hers, while carefully reaching for the clasp of her dress. She closed her eyes, and wrapped her arms firmly around his waist. She was done holding back.

Padmé allowed him to slide her dress down until she stood in front of Bail wearing only her cream-colored undergarments.

His eyes sparkled as he stared at her. "You are stunning."

She reached up and ran her hand through his short hair, marveling at the feel of his hair against her palm. She liked the way a few gray hairs mingled in with the inky black. She liked the lines around his eyes.

He ran his hands up and down her back, watching her study his hair and face. "Does it bother you that I'm older?"

"Not at all. I was just thinking how attractive you are."

She shivered, and he looked at her closely. "Padmé. Are you having second thoughts?"

"No…it’s just…" She couldn't tell Bail that she had only slept with one man, and that was only after she was married. A twinge of sadness swept through her as she realized she was taking something sacred away from Anakin.

Bail looked concerned. "This isn't your first time, is it?"

Padmé's felt her cheeks flush. "No…" She didn't want Bail to think she had frequent lovers, but she also didn't want to tell him about Anakin. Not yet.

"Good. I don't know if I could be responsible for that."

"I really am fine. It's just…been awhile." It had been exactly two months, but she imagined her vague statement might lead Bail to believe it had been years.

******

Afterward, she lay with her head on his chest, her curls spilling onto the silk sheets. "This would kill Breha, wouldn’t it?"

"Yes."

"Do you love her?"

"I do, but we've grown apart. We don't have anything in common."

Padmé nodded in sympathy. I know what you mean, all too well.

Bail shifted slightly and began to rub her back. "Breha is sick. I know I am a terrible person for doing this, but sometimes the stress is too much. And I've admired you from afar for so long."

"Your wife is ill?" Padmé was surprised—he had not mentioned that Breha's health was in jeopardy.

"Yes, her problems are chronic—potentially life-threatening. And the doctors have told her that she shouldn't try to have children. It could worsen her condition."

"I am so sorry."

"Don't fret." He wrapped his arm around her waist. "I think we're adjusting to the idea now."

"Do you want children?"

"Someday." He moved his other hand to stroke her hair idly. "No more talk of unpleasant things." He swallowed hard and hesitated briefly before speaking again. "I think I'm falling in love with you, Padmé."

"Oh Bail. We can't. You have Breha, and I…"

"You what? Are you seeing someone?"

She shook her head quickly. "I meant that I refuse to ruin what you and Breha have together."

He exhaled. "Then this will have to be enough for us—for now."

"This is wrong."

"So it is." His arm tightened around her waist. "But are you willing to stop?"

"No…" She pushed herself up and kissed him on the forehead. "When can we meet again?"

Unhinged and Obsessed

Rambling because we're having an ice storm today

Fic: The First Blush of Sin (one-shot)